The Very Contrary Fairy

© John Sawyer – July 2008

“Hi there Goldi. I really like the new wig.  Makes you look a million dollars there girl.”

“Thanks man. You look pretty good yourself in that new red jacket. It really sets your new boob job off a treat.”

“Thanks yourself girl, but you not been around lately. What’s been happening?”

“It’s real wierd man. I had a bad trip. Maybe some bad gear. I took myself outa town to straighten my head out.”

“Don’t I know it girl? The shit’s been real bad lately. What happened?”

“Well, I’m like pokin’ around Richmond man, just casin’ a few joints, lookin’ for a squat for winter. You know a few weeks of comfort while some rich dude’s away in the sun.

“Anyway man. I find this house. Front door open. I walk right in. It was a weird sorta place. I should have known something was up and walked right out.”

“Wadda ya mean weird dude?”

“Well three of everything man. I go in the bedroom and three beds. A big one, real hard. A smaller one, real soft and a little one that was just right for me.

“Same deal in the lounge. A big hard old armchair. A smaller armchair loaded with cushions and then this rocker, just right for me.

“The kitchen was the same. Three of everything man. Three chairs at the table. Three bowls of porridge. Even three spoons man. Big, medium and small – the whole house. And get this; the porridge had just been made. It was just like that story with the ghost ship. Mary something. Like everyone had just disappeared or something.

“I should have cleared off then, but I needed some sleep and I wasn’t thinking real good. I tried the porridge and liked the stuff in the small bowl. So I ate it all up and went to bed.

“I don’t know what was in the porridge man, but I woke up and I’m seeing three koala bears man… Yeah, three bears: one dressed in a business suit, one in a polka dot dress and a little one in a school uniform. I was outta there man. I went strait out the back door, jumped the back fence and ran.”

“Well that is weird girl, but hear this. I’ve turned some strange tricks but this one last week takes the cake. I’m standing here. Right here as always and this punter comes up. A real hairy bloke with a long nose. He asks for a special group deal at this house. His grandmother’s house he called it. Who knows these days?

“Anyway, he pays me 250 in advance and gives me this here red jacket. I go round there and it’s a pretty way out scene.  I don’t mind bondage, but there’s this real old chook. Naked she was, tied up, gagged in a cupboard.

“The hairy dude was sitting up in bed in this frilly night dress with one of those cap things. It didn’t suit him really, what with the hair and stuff.

“I won’t go into details but he starts on lickin me and says stuff like he wants to eat me. Nothin real strange in that but I freaked out when this big angry dude breaks through the front door with an axe and starts chasin the hairy dude around the house, yellin about cutting him open there and then and takin grandma out of his stomach. He was real gone man, spaced right out.

“You know I don’t do violence dude so I get my pretty butt right out of there. Didn’t wait for money”

“With that sort of bad crap on the streets you wonder what's gonna happen next. The streets are just too dangerous for workin' dudes, man!”

“Right on girl! Right on!”